Grieving an Absent Parent: Mourning What Was—And What Never Could Be
Much of the narrative around losing a parent is steeped in all-consuming grief, an inability to move forward, and a world-shattering experience. The assumption is that such a loss is unimaginable to endure. And for many, losing a parent—especially as a young adult—feels exactly like this. Your best friend, your compass, your guide is gone, and life feels impossible to navigate.
But for others, the grief is more complicated. Parent-child relationships can be fraught with tension. Most people eventually realize their parents aren’t perfect, just flawed humans shaped by their own unresolved traumas. Ideally, parents evolve, acknowledge their mistakes, and offer repair. But often, due to their own limitations—how they were raised, cultural influences, generational divides—they couldn’t show up as the parent you deserved.
Grief Can Be Complicated: Which Grief Therapies Work?
Grief therapy often incorporates different therapeutic approaches to help individuals process loss and complex emotions. Gestalt Therapy, founded by Fritz Perls, emphasizes present-moment awareness and personal responsibility, encouraging integration of past experiences to achieve wholeness. It evokes the saying, “People make the best choices they can with the resources they have at the time.” This perspective can help contextualize a difficult parent’s behavior. Meanwhile, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan, challenges black-and-white thinking, embracing the complexity of reality. Perhaps your parent had redeeming qualities alongside deeply painful ones—memories often amplify the negative, but the truth usually lies in the middle.
Sometimes There’s No Middle Ground
Some parents were abusive—physically, emotionally, sexually, financially—or simply absent. In these cases, there’s no obligation to rationalize their choices. You deserved better. Period. Yet society often pressures us to forgive with phrases like, “But that was your parent!” Jeannette McCurdy’s memoir, I’m Glad My Mom Died, captures this tension—her mother’s abuse was undeniable, yet the world still expects reverence.
Recently, a friend’s father passed after years in a nursing home. As a child, she saw him abuse her mother before he disappeared from their lives, offering only occasional financial support. He died abruptly on Thanksgiving. In the aftermath, I sensed her hesitation to share the news, as if she’d be ruining the holiday. She questioned whether she deserved the same support as those who lost a loving parent. Would it be fraudulent to accept condolences? Worse, what if she felt relieved? The burden of waiting for someone to change—someone who never would—was finally lifted.
Mourning the Loss of Potential
A significant part of grieving an absent parent is mourning the loss of potential: the realization that you were a powerless child in a broken dynamic, that the chance for repair is gone, that any hope for change has died with them. You’re left holding the “what-ifs,” grieving not just what was, but what never could be.
The Silence Around Complicated Grief
One of the hardest parts of losing an absent or difficult parent is that your grief often feels unseen or unrecognized. If you didn’t have a close relationship, people may assume the loss doesn’t affect you. If you did, but it was complicated, they may not understand the mixed emotions that come with mourning someone who hurt you. You might feel hesitant to express sadness because others know how much this person let you down. Or, if you feel relief, you may wonder if that makes you a bad person. It doesn’t. It makes you human.
Grief isn’t just about missing someone—it’s about processing what their presence (or absence) meant in your life. You may be mourning the loss of an imagined reconciliation, an apology that never came, or the hope that they would change. You may be grieving the fact that they never got to see you as an adult, the version of you who is healing and breaking cycles they could not. Specialized grief support can help you navigate these conflicting emotions.
What Does Support Look Like for You?
If you lost a loving, present parent, grief often follows a well-understood script: people bring meals, send flowers, check in. But if your loss is more complicated, you may not receive that same level of support, and that can feel isolating.
It’s important to identify what you need. Do you want to talk about your parent? Do you need space to process without judgment? Are there specific ways people can support you—whether that’s distraction, validation, or just someone to sit in silence with? Give yourself permission to express those needs, even if it feels uncomfortable. An experienced grief therapist can help you identify these needs if you are struggling.
It can also help to create your own rituals of closure. Traditional mourning practices often assume a deep, loving connection, but you can reclaim this process for yourself. Some people write letters to their parents—letters they never got to send. Others create their own memorial, one that honors their own healing rather than just the person who died.
Breaking the Cycle
Losing a complicated parent often stirs up fears about becoming like them. You might wonder if you’ll repeat their mistakes, if their emotional unavailability or harmful behaviors live in you. It’s a valid fear, but it’s also one that proves something powerful: you are already different.
The fact that you are grieving, reflecting, and questioning means you have the awareness to break cycles. You get to choose how you show up in relationships, how you treat yourself, and how you move forward. It’s okay to grieve what you never had. It’s okay to feel both anger and sadness, love and resentment. You don’t have to resolve the contradictions. Grief is rarely neat—it’s messy, nonlinear, and deeply personal. Your loss is real, even if it doesn’t fit the traditional mold. And you are allowed to mourn in whatever way makes sense for you.
Discover Grief Therapy in NYC
Grieving the loss of a parent is never easy, especially when the relationship was complex or filled with conflicting emotions. It’s natural to feel a mix of sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt—all of which can make the grieving process even more overwhelming. You are not alone in these feelings, and support is available. As a compassionate grief therapist in NYC, I am committed to truly understanding your story and providing a safe, supportive space to help you navigate your grief. Healing takes time, but taking the first step can bring clarity and relief. Start your counseling journey today by following these steps:
Start your first grief therapy session tailored to your healing process
Allow yourself space to grow through therapy, self-care, and guided support.