Why Don’t I Feel Anything? The Silent Struggle of Absent Grief and How to Work Through It
When people anticipate how they will feel about grief, the anxiety may feel overwhelming. Questions may arise, like: How will I handle this? How will I juggle all my responsibilities while having such intense, sad emotions? How will I navigate job responsibilities? Then, when the time comes to grieve, sometimes the way you imagined you would feel does not align with reality. In fact, you may be surprised to find yourself feeling an absence of emotion. If you’re experiencing this, you are not alone.
Grief therapy can offer a supportive space to explore these feelings and begin to understand what they’re trying to tell you. Below are some common reasons why you may be feeling this way:
Anticipatory Grief
If your loved one had a terminal illness that progressed over months or years, you may have already “pre-grieved” their loss while they were still alive. Watching them decline, perhaps even becoming unrecognizable from the vibrant person you once knew, may have meant that you were grieving them long before they passed. By the time their death arrived, you may have already processed much of the sadness and loss, leaving you feeling emotionally numb rather than overwhelmed by grief.
Too Busy with Death-Related Tasks
The bureaucracy of death can be overwhelming. After the loss of a loved one, you may find yourself responsible—or assisting the person responsible—with funeral arrangements, paperwork, managing bank accounts, notifying agencies, and planning a memorial. These logistical responsibilities can consume so much energy that there isn’t much space left to process emotions. Sometimes grief is delayed until after these tasks are complete, but by then, people around you may have stopped checking in, making it feel even harder to acknowledge your feelings.
Complicated Relationships
Grief isn’t always straightforward, and neither are relationships. Perhaps you had a loving but complex relationship with the deceased, or maybe the relationship was marked by trauma, abuse, neglect, or prolonged absence. If your relationship was strained, grief might not manifest in the way society expects. Instead of deep sadness, you might feel relief, anger, or nothing at all. If the person suffered greatly before passing, you might even feel a sense of peace knowing their suffering has ended. It’s okay to have mixed emotions about a loss that don’t fit neatly into the traditional narrative of grief.
Emotional Numbness as a Coping Mechanism
Sometimes, the brain protects us from overwhelming pain by shutting down emotional responses. If you’ve experienced other significant losses, trauma, or chronic stress, you may have developed a pattern of emotional suppression. Feeling “nothing” doesn’t mean you aren’t grieving—it may mean your mind is taking time to process the loss at its own pace.
A Sense of Acceptance
Not all grief feels devastating. If you had time to prepare, if you had a peaceful relationship with your loved one, or if their death aligned with the natural order of life (such as an elderly grandparent passing), you may feel an acceptance that outweighs intense sorrow. This doesn’t mean you don’t miss them or love them—it simply means you are at peace with their passing.
What You Can Do If You Have Absent Grief
If you find yourself feeling emotionally numb after a loss, here are some things that may help:
Give Yourself Permission to Feel (or Not Feel). There is no “right” way to grieve. Let go of the expectation that you should feel a certain way.
Create Space for Reflection. If you’ve been busy with logistics, set aside intentional time for grief. Journaling, looking through old photos, or visiting a meaningful place can help emotions surface.
Talk About It. Even if you don’t feel sadness, talking about your loved one can help you connect with your emotions over time. Seek support from friends, family, or a grief therapist.
Engage in Rituals. Whether it’s lighting a candle, making a donation in their honor, or celebrating their birthday, rituals can help create a tangible connection to your grief.
Allow for Delayed Grief. Sometimes grief appears unexpectedly, weeks or months later. Be open to emotions surfacing at their own pace.
Move Your Body. Physical activity, such as walking, yoga, or stretching, can help release stored emotions in the body.
Seek Professional Support. If you’re struggling to process your grief, professional counseling services can help explore what may be blocking your emotions and guide you through your unique grieving process.
Absent grief does not mean you are broken or that you didn’t love the person you lost. Grief looks different for everyone, and the absence of overwhelming sadness doesn’t mean you aren’t processing the loss in your own way. With time, reflection, and support, your emotions may surface when you’re ready to face them.
Find Support for Absent Grief in NYC
Grief doesn’t always look how we expect it to. If you find yourself feeling numb or disconnected, you're not alone. Absent grief is a very real experience—and one that deserves care and attention. As a grief counselor in NYC, I provide a compassionate space to gently explore the emotions that feel out of reach and to begin understanding what your grief might be trying to tell you.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what you’re experiencing.
Book your initial grief therapy session, focused on making sense of absent or delayed emotions.
Begin the process of healing, even if you're still figuring out where to start.
About the Author: A Supportive Grief Counselor in NYC
Natalie Greenberg, LCSW, is a compassionate grief therapist based in New York City who focuses on supporting young adults as they process and adapt to loss. Her personal experience with grief—after losing her mother to suicide at the age of 23—led her to discover the healing power of therapy and peer support, ultimately inspiring her to help others through their own grief. Natalie earned her Master’s in Social Work from New York University and later completed a post-master’s certificate in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. With more than ten years of clinical experience, including positions at Bellevue Hospital’s Psychiatric Emergency Room, Mount Sinai Hospital’s leadership team, and NYU’s Student Health Center, she brings deep expertise, warmth, and a touch of humor to her work. Today, she offers virtual sessions to clients across New York, making grief support more accessible than ever.