Sudden vs. Expected Loss: Understanding Different Grieving Patterns and Finding Support in NYC
Losing a loved one is devastating. Grief is a deeply personal journey, shaped by the nature of the loss itself. Often, when people experience the death of someone close to them, it falls into one of two categories: sudden or expected. A sudden loss happens without warning—such as in an accident, an unforeseen medical event, or suicide. An expected loss occurs when a loved one has a terminal illness, and their passing is anticipated. While these two experiences may seem vastly different, both come with their own unique challenges and complexities. Grief therapy can be an essential tool in navigating these difficult emotions, helping individuals understand these differences, feel less alone in their pain, and feel more equipped to seek the support they need.
Sudden Loss
A sudden loss can feel like having the ground ripped out from under you. One moment, your loved one is there, and the next, they are gone. Whether it’s due to an accident, an unexpected medical condition like a heart attack, or suicide, there is no time to prepare, no chance to say goodbye. The shock can be overwhelming, leaving those left behind grappling with disbelief and struggling to process the abrupt absence of someone they love.
Many who experience sudden loss find themselves replaying their last interaction with the deceased, scrutinizing every detail—Did I say the right thing? Should I have done something differently? These lingering questions can lead to guilt and regret, making the grieving process even more complicated.
Even in cases where a person had ongoing struggles—such as depression with multiple suicide attempts—the loss can still feel sudden. The idea that it was “expected” doesn’t necessarily make it easier to process. Many people, even when bracing for a possible tragic outcome, are never truly prepared for the reality of their loved one being gone. Suicide, in particular, often leaves loved ones with unanswered questions, complicated emotions, and a sense of profound loss that can be difficult to navigate.
Expected Loss
On the surface, an expected loss may seem “easier” because there is more time to prepare emotionally and practically. However, in many ways, it presents its own profound difficulties. While families may have the opportunity for closure, the journey leading up to the loss is often fraught with its own kind of pain.
A person with a terminal illness may undergo treatments that change them physically, mentally, and emotionally. They may no longer be the person their loved ones once knew. The hope of making the most of their remaining time can be complicated by the realities of illness—pain, exhaustion, and cognitive decline can rob families of the connection they long for in those final weeks, months or years.
Additionally, anticipatory grief can take hold. This is the experience of grieving a loved one before they have passed—mourning the loss of the future, the plans that will never be realized, and the slow transformation of the person they once were. The prolonged nature of expected loss can also take a toll on families, leading to exhaustion, strained relationships and finances, and conflicting emotions about the relief that may come when their loved one is no longer suffering.
No “Better” or “Worse” Way to Lose Someone
When I attended The Dinner Party, a community that brings together young adults to openly discuss grief in a nonjudgmental setting, I noticed a divide among those at the table. Some of us had lost parents to suicide, while others had lost parents after a long battle with cancer. Each side insisted the other had the “better” experience, believing their own form of grief was the hardest to endure. Those who had lost loved ones suddenly longed for the chance to say goodbye, while those who had experienced a prolonged decline wished they could have been spared watching their loved one suffer.
However, this is a false binary. There is no “better” way to lose someone. Every loss is painful in its own way, bringing unique challenges. Instead of comparing grief, we can acknowledge that all forms of loss are difficult and allow space for every individual’s experience. Grief counseling can help create that space, offering support and tools for healing—no matter the type of loss you've faced.
Find Support with Grief Therapy in NYC
Regardless of how loss enters your life, it changes you. Grief can be isolating, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Whether your loss was sudden or expected, finding support can help you process your emotions, ease feelings of guilt or regret, and provide tools to move forward with your grief in a healthy way. If you are struggling with loss, I invite you to reach out. As a grief therapist in NYC, I offer a compassionate, nonjudgmental space for you to explore your feelings and find support. You don’t have to go through this alone. Follow these steps to begin our journey together:
Schedule a free 15-minute call to explore your therapy goals.
Begin personalized grief therapy designed around your journey.
Create space for healing, growth, and compassionate support.
About the Author: A Grief and Loss Therapist in NYC
Natalie Greenberg, LCSW, is a dedicated grief therapist based in New York City, specializing in helping young adults navigate the complexities of loss. After experiencing the profound impact of her mother's death by suicide at 23, Natalie found healing through therapy and support groups, inspiring her to guide others through their unique grief journeys. She earned her Master's in Social Work from New York University and holds a post-master's certificate in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. With over a decade of professional experience, including roles at Bellevue Hospital's Psychiatric Emergency Room, Mount Sinai Hospital's leadership team and New York University’s Student Health Center, Natalie brings a wealth of knowledge, empathy and humor to her practice. She currently offers virtual therapy sessions, providing accessible support to clients throughout New York.