A person sits alone on the floor against a concrete wall, capturing the isolation of grief. Grief and loss therapy in Manhattan can offer support when perfectionism pressures you to hide your pain and “be strong.”

Note from the Author: Thank you to Natalie Greenberg, LCSW, a compassionate therapist specializing in grief and loss, for inviting me to write this guest post on her blog. As a grief specialist, Natalie offers invaluable support for those navigating loss (read more about her and her services here). As a therapist specializing in perfectionism, I often see how the pressure to “be strong” can make healing even more difficult. Our collaboration stemmed from a shared understanding of how perfectionism can deeply affect how we cope with grief.

Most of us have experienced some kind of loss—whether it’s losing a loved one, the end of a friendship, a major life change, or something else entirely. And let’s face it, loss is hard. But for perfectionists, healing from that loss can feel even tougher. As a therapist who specializes in working with perfectionists, I see firsthand how the added pressure to “be strong” or “get it right” can make the grieving process even harder. And I totally get it—the pain of loss is real, and it’s intense. Perfectionism often gives a false sense of control in those moments, but instead of helping, it usually gets in the way—especially when it comes to grief. Let’s talk about how perfectionism can get in the way of grieving—and how you can start letting go of that pressure so you can heal.

How Does Perfectionism Get in The Way of Grieving?

If you’ve always been the one people count on to hold it together, to stay calm and not let things fall apart, that might show up in your grieving process too. You might push aside your own needs to take care of others or focus on all the things that still need to be done. It might feel like if you can just keep it together, you’re handling things “right.” But all that does is prevent you from feeling what you’re actually feeling. And those feelings don’t just go away—they build up. If you don’t give yourself space to process them with grief therapy, you won’t have the chance to heal properly.

The False Idea of Grieving Correctly

Perfectionists tend to like having a clear path or steps to follow. So, when grief doesn’t follow any kind of neat order, it can feel overwhelming. You might push certain feelings aside, force yourself to feel things that don’t come naturally, or beat yourself up for “not grieving the right way.” But the truth is, there’s no one way to grieve. Some people cry and let it all out, while others might find comfort in sharing memories or laughter. Some grieve all at once, while for others, it can take weeks, months, or even years to fully feel it. Grief is personal, and there’s no “right” way to do it.

Fear of Vulnerability (and Asking for Help)

If you’re someone who tends to keep things to yourself and hesitates to show vulnerability, it can be hard to ask for support during a time of loss. You might worry about being judged for how long you’re grieving or how you’re expressing it. So, you end up holding back, not letting others see how much you’re hurting. And though it can feel natural to isolate yourself when you’re grieving, it actually makes the process harder. Not letting others in leaves you feeling even more alone with your pain, when in reality, people often want to help and support you—they just need you to let them in.

Self-Criticism (and Delayed Emotional Processing)

If you have high expectations for yourself, you might end up criticizing yourself for not “getting over it” quickly enough or for not grieving in the “right” way. But being hard on yourself doesn’t make the pain go away—it only adds to it. The more you criticize yourself, the more stuck you’ll feel. Perfectionism can keep you from sitting with the emotions you need to process, distracting you from the real work of grieving.

Tips for Letting Go of Perfectionism During the Grieving Process

A person journals at a cozy table with coffee and books, reflecting on their emotions. Grief and loss therapy in Manhattan can support the healing process when perfectionism makes it hard to grieve openly.

Remember that grief is messy, and it’s not linear. You may have heard of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but grief often doesn’t follow that kind of neat order. It’s more like waves, sometimes unpredictable, and it often comes in bursts. You might feel stuck in one stage for a while, or bounce around between them. Even after you feel like you’ve accepted the loss, grief can still pop back up. And that’s okay—it’s totally normal, and part of the process.

Keep in mind that everyone’s grief looks different. If you find yourself comparing your grief to someone else’s, remember that it’s not a competition. Just because someone isn’t openly grieving or showing their emotions doesn’t mean they’re not feeling it (or that they’re not letting it out in a different setting). Grieving looks different for everyone. Some people cry constantly, while others may seem to keep it together on the outside. Neither approach is better or worse, weak or strong, right or wrong—they’re just different.

Let yourself have joyful moments

Perfectionism might make you feel like you shouldn’t experience joy while you’re grieving, but that’s not realistic (or helpful). It’s okay to find moments of happiness or peace, even when you’re in the midst of sadness. Grief and joy can coexist—you don’t have to choose one or the other. Letting yourself experience both sides of life is part of the healing process.

Find your own way of grieving

Since everyone grieves differently, and there’s no roadmap for grief, it’s important to find what works best for you. It can take time to figure out what feels right, especially if you’re not used to listening to your own needs. But this is an opportunity to discover what supports you in your grief—whether that’s through talking with others, journaling, spending time alone, or something else. The more you lean into what feels authentic, the more effectively you’ll be able to heal.

Let go of the need to “fix” it

Grief isn’t something you can “fix.” It’s a process that takes time. Trying to rush through it or avoid it just makes things more complicated. Allow yourself to experience your grief, without trying to control it. The more you try to “fix” the grief, the harder it is to move through the process.

Practice vulnerability and accept some support

If reaching out for support feels difficult, start with someone you trust. You don’t have to open up to everyone, but letting one person in can make a huge difference. Being vulnerable and allowing others to support you not only helps you feel less isolated, but it can also make your connection with others even stronger (on both sides—often, the people we’re close to want to be there for us).

Practice self-compassion

If you tend to be your own harshest critic, it’s important to be gentle with yourself while you’re grieving. Instead of criticizing yourself for how you’re handling things, try offering yourself the same compassion you would to a friend in the same situation. Grief is hard enough—don’t make it harder by being tough on yourself.

Give yourself some time to “not be okay”

Despite how it feels, it’s okay to not have it all together. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Give yourself space to feel the emotions you’re going through, even if that means taking a little time to yourself. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but allowing yourself to not be okay can be incredibly healing.

Journal about it

Writing down your feelings can be a helpful way to process your grief. You don’t have to worry about spelling, grammar, or anyone reading it. Just let your thoughts flow onto the page. If you feel overwhelmed, try ending your journaling session with something grounding or positive, like listing things you’re grateful for, or maybe a bit of physical movement, to bring some balance to the experience.

Therapy

Talking to a therapist about your grief can provide valuable support. Not only will a therapist validate and normalize your experience, but they can also help you recognize how perfectionism might be getting in the way of your healing. They can guide you through the process of working through grief with compassionate therapy services.

Support groups

Support groups give you the opportunity to connect with others who are grieving. Hearing how others handle their grief can normalize your own experience. Plus, support groups are a great place to lean on others and allow them to lean on you.

The Power of Vulnerability and Support

Ultimately, healing from loss isn’t about being strong or perfect—it’s about allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling, even if it’s messy, and giving yourself permission to heal in your own way. Vulnerability and support are key to moving through grief. It’s not easy, but neither is letting that grief linger endlessly in the background. Healing looks different for everyone, and there’s no one way to do it. But by showing up for yourself—authentically, with kindness, and without the need to constantly “be strong” or “fix” things—you’ll be on the path toward healing.

Find Therapy for Perfectionism & Grief in New York

A woman sits across from a therapist in a warmly lit office. Grief and loss therapy in Manhattan offers a safe space to process pain, even when perfectionism says to keep it all together.

If perfectionism is holding you back from healing from loss, you’re not alone. It’s easy to get stuck in trying to control your emotions—maybe even trying to control everything around you—when the grief feels overwhelming and “staying strong” feels safer. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and therapist for perfectionism in New York, I help perfectionists navigate loss and learn to let go just enough without totally abandoning the helpful parts of perfectionism. Therapy for perfectionists can give you a space to work through unhelpful patterns, practice self-compassion, and find a healthier way forward. If you’re ready to start therapy in a way that supports real growth—without the pressure to be perfect—let’s talk.

Schedule a consultation with me to discuss your therapy goals.
Learn more about me and my services as a therapist in New York.
Let go of the perfectionist pressure to “stay strong” while navigating loss, and give yourself the space to truly heal from grief.

About the Author: An Experienced Therapist in New York

Adina Babad, LMHC is a therapist in New York specializing in therapy for perfectionism. Through her online therapy practice, she helps adults address perfectionism, people-pleasing, anxiety, and burnout. Adina has been working with clients for the past decade, helping them get to the root of their challenges, find the balance between self-compassion and accountability, and create healthier habits for lasting change. With a mix of warmth and humor, she creates a space where clients feel comfortable challenging themselves and engaging in open, honest conversations.

Now that you know more about Adina’s work: if you’re ready to dig deeper and want to work together, reach out here to schedule a 15-minute consultation call.

Healing from Loss When Perfectionism Tells You to “Be Strong”